Stages of Grief
Sadly Love lasts longer than death. When you lose someone you love, you are never really "done" with grief. You will love and remember the people you care about throughout your life. However, the intensity of grief does change over time. Eventually, most mourners are able to re-engage with life and move into the future with a sense of hope.
While everyone moves through grief differently, psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has identified five stages that many people experience.
1. Denial and shock: In the early stages of grief, it’s normal to deny the reality of what’s happening. We think that it must, somehow, be a mistake. This denial and shock serve a protective function. Losing someone can cause overwhelming pain and denying that reality can be a temporary way to calm the pain. As our denial wears off, reality slowly sinks in, until it becomes too much and denial takes over again.
This process helps to serve grief in doses we can manage. After the first days or weeks of loss, however, refusing to accept reality can stop us from healing. Ultimately, the only way out from under the pain of loss is to allow yourself to feel it.
2. Anger: When we experience loss, our anger can be overwhelming. It’s normal and natural to feel rage. Your anger may have many targets: God, the universe, the hospital, even the person who passed away. It’s ok to feel that rage. Only by feeling your anger can you dissipate its force.
3. Bargaining: In grief, it’s common to be tormented by "what if" statements such as, "What if we had gone to the hospital sooner?" or, "What if I had been there?" These what-if statements are often accompanied by guilt for not having done something, anything, differently so as to prevent the loss. These thoughts are a form of bargaining with a higher power. "If only" something could be different, everything would be ok again.
4. Depression: As the reality of our loss sinks in, we are struck by overwhelming sadness and a yearning for our lost one.
5. Acceptance: As acceptance grows, the pain will diminish. Remember, accepting is not the same as forgetting. People you have lost will always be a part of you.
Often, these five steps are presented as a checklist. Do this, then do this, then you are done. However, Kubler-Ross never meant these steps to be a recipe for mourning. Grief is too messy for that. These five steps are common, but not universal. They are simply meant to help people understand some of the emotions they may be experiencing. People may skip steps, go through totally different steps, and/or cycle through various combinations of these or other steps multiple times before finding some degree of acceptance.
Another way to understand grief is as a process that requires time and effort. To model the work of grief, psychologist William Worden has developed a framework that he called the four tasks of mourning.
These tasks are:
1. Accept the reality of the loss.
2. Process your grief and pain.
3. Adjust to the world without your loved one in it.
4. Find a way to maintain a connection to the person you lost while moving on with your own life.
These four steps help point the way to a future that includes cherished memories of your loved one, while still allowing you to move forward with your own life and open yourself to new experiences. There is no timeline for this process, and no one set path to get there. Your experience of grief is unique. However, while each individual grieves in their own way, no one should feel alone in this process. At any stage of grief, meeting with a therapist can validate your emotions and help you develop the emotional tools needed to cope with your current situation.
What Not to Do When You Are Grieving
While there is no right way to grieve and everyone will work through grief in their own way, sometimes the choices made in grief can unnecessarily prolong the pain. If you are grieving, avoid these things:
Drugs and Alcohol
When we hurt, it can be tempting to self-medicate to numb the pain. However, experiencing the emotions of grief is the only way to process and, ultimately, release those emotions. Drugs and alcohol don’t make the pain go away; they just numb it temporarily. The pain will be right there waiting for you when you sober up. In the meantime, if you add drugs and alcohol to the mix when you are already hurting, it’s far too easy to engage in behaviors that might hurt yourself or others.
If your pain is extreme, instead of self-medicating, speak to your doctor. While studies show that no medications can cure grief, there are medications that can help you sleep or calm anxiety. While grief and depression are different conditions, depression can arise when people are in mourning, and depression can, and should, be treated.
Drastic Life Changes
When we are in pain, it’s easy to imagine that everything would be different if you just moved/changed jobs/left your relationships/made other major changes. However, it’s very difficult to make good decisions when we are in pain. Often, grief causes us to be fearful, confused, anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted, or all the above. These are not good emotions from which to make decisions.
If possible, avoid making major decisions when in the first throes of grief. Instead, focus on the immediate needs of safety and security for you and your loved ones. If important decisions must be made, recruit a trusted friend to help you evaluate the options. If necessary, hire a neutral professional such as a lawyer or accountant to evaluate legal and financial documents before you sign anything.
Avoiding Grief by Diving into Work
It is possible to compartmentalize grief and push it away while you focus on work or taking care of your family. Sometimes, putting grief aside to focus on other things is necessary. Even in the midst of grief, you need to pay rent, feed the kids, and walk the dog.
These short breaks from grief can also be helpful to keep you from becoming overwhelmed. However, some people use work (paid or unpaid) as a way to avoid ever dealing with their grief. Unfortunately, grief won’t just go away. It’ll still be there, any time you slow down. Instead of avoiding your grief, allow yourself the time you need to work through your emotions.
Neglecting Yourself
Grief is exhausting, and in that grief and exhaustion, it’s easy to neglect basic self-care. However, it’s essential to continue to take care of yourself. You don’t have to keep a perfect house and cook three-course meals, but you need to shower, eat something, get exercise, and take care of basic daily tasks. While looking after yourself might not help you feel better, not looking after yourself will certainly make you feel worse. Be sure to take care of yourself the way you would take care of your best friend in their time of grief.
